Shifty Roast the web site is dedicated to the
un-killable spirit of the "functional alcoholic" in all of us.
Here, Shifty regales us with a story for the ages. A story you
will remember forever, a story you will tell your grandchildren over
a cool glass of whiskey on a summers eve...
Happy Holidays kids, be good to each other,
no matter how much the holiday season kicks you in the nuts.
PRODUCT TESTING-VIDEO GAME CONTROLLERS
December 4th, 2007
By Roast
Roast: Fuck! Fuck mother FUCK GOD DAMN IT!
This is fucking HORSE SHIT!!
You cock-mouthed-cunt-faced BITCH! Mother BITCH
FUCK!
Roast Jr.: Dad, you aren’t supposed to say bad
words.
Roast: But did you see that? That was fucking…
That was not fair!
Roast Jr.: It’s ok dad. Sometimes you win,
sometimes you lose. Wanna play a different game?
Roast puts a different game into a brand new
Nintendo Wii. The game loads up, and once again some serious father
son bonding is happening.
15 minutes later though, a simulated bowling ball
rolls into a simulated gutter, and Roast Jr. jumps up and down with
joy because his dad just bowled a gutter.
That gutter means Roast Sr. just lost a video
game to his 26 (yeah, twenty-six fucking!) years younger son.
Roast: Oh FUCK YOU GUTTER! Try and gutter ball
this you SON OF A FUCKING CUNT ASSED WHORE!
With that, Roast hurls his Wii-Mote into the 46
inch flat panel LCD screen TV. Roast then storms out of the room.
Also, in the name of fulfilling promises I never
intended to keep, good ol' Shifty took the Halloween Story
seriously, and ran with it.
We will have a nice bit of story telling for you
the masses, and then have a contest to see who can tell just what
parts are truth, what parts are fiction, and what the symbolism
behind the whole thing means. The winner of this contest
gets....oh....I don't know....a bagillion dollars. It will be
here soon, so check back every now and then yo.
Sexyfat
By Roast
October 1st, 2007
As promised, I have another shining
example of why people like me should not be allowed to have access
to a computer, much less have their own website.
I am so sorry.
I have been mercilessly forced on many, many
occasions to listen to Justin Timberlake's music, specifically,
Sexyback. I normally respond to this by getting mind numbingly
drunk.
And then, as we all know, my muse Jack Daniel
takes over.
For the vast
Shifty Roast faithful out there that check our site day in and day
out, we provide an announcement.
We are back.
Back with new content. Back with new stories. Back with new songs.
And most
importantly, back with new empty promises of new content.
Here is a list
of things to come, this very weekend!*
A new song by
sang by Roast. Yes, I said sang.
A new article
about succeeding at a job you hate by Roast.
Two new songs
penned by Roast, with upcoming singing versions.
A few tweaks to
the site that will allow users to leave comments complaining about
just how much we suck.
A scary story
collaboration between Shifty and Roast just in time for Halloween.
(By the way Shifty, this is as good a time as any to mention that I
want to write a scary story by Halloween)
*When I say
“this very weekend”, I mean to say soon, and by soon, I mean to say
2007… ish.
Shifty stopped
by today for a three hour layover at the local airport. We
discussed many things, including a pretty decent idea for a Shifty
Roast update. Also dropped in today's conversation, was the
fact that somebody that is close to our hearts (not to mention close
to many other parts of Shifty) is celebrating her 28th birthday on
July 25th.
Well Scarlet,
since I'm a terrible friend, and according to several women an even
worse lover, I thought I would throw something up to say Happy
Birthday. Since I had no fucking idea that you had a birthday,
much less that it was tomorrow, I searched high and low on the
internets (for as much as 13 minutes!) for a song that I could
parody to make you smile, but found nothing. So, in the spirit
of the internet, I have blatantly stole something. Happy
Birthday.
May you live a prosperous life, despite your poor
choices in men...
CABLE TV STOLE MY LIBIDO
(Sometimes Shifty writes things when he’s drunk.)
By Shifty
July 11th, 2007
Shifty, during
some random drunk moment shares the secret to defeating the "dick
limping effect of cable television".
"The whole
universe seems to balance for that one brief (if you’re Roast) or
eternal (if you’re Shifty) moment.
This isn’t
rocket science it’s cock-it science. Be a man and show your
significant other (one night stand) how to be a woman."
(Roast here, personally, I get a
massive erection when I look at my 46" flat screen TV, but I guess
that's what separates Shifty from Roast. Approximately 4
inches, diagonally measured, of course.)
"YOU CAN'T PUT YOUR ARMS AROUND A DIRTY
GANG-BANG CUM SHOT":
July 10th, 2007
Just a
little diddy from my favorite stand-up, Sarah Silverman.
Bitch
be funny yo.
Shifty
promised an article about hating one's job, and now I have to
believe that I will have something to add to that, so look for that
some time in the next week or so.
SHIFTY ROAST MOMENTS:
June 13th, 2007
I was
thinking about a big long cock
Even as I knelt and chowed her box
Lesbians under a bridge
She talked me in to it
I’m about halfway across
With my doubts and fears taggin’ along
But I needed a change
I hate men anyway
I bang her lookin' just a bit ashamed
I said, You know, I haven't always been this gay......
As was done in ancient times before the site
was overhauled, some times Shifty and Roast get together and try a
spoof of the same song and then compare the results.
Well, this time around, there was a third
party involved. A Shifty Roast ménage à trois so it would
seem.
Only with less sex, and more laughing and ridicule...
John Michael Montgomery-"Letters from Home"
"Go hold it up and show your
buddies
Like you ain’t scared and your cock’s not ugly
And they all laugh
Like there's somethin’ funny ‘bout the way you hang
When I say, “but he’s the best ya’ll”
I roll up my tits and put ‘em in my shirt
Pick up my dildo and get back to work
And it keeps me drivin’ on
Waitin’ on
you to give me some bone"
HAPPY "YOU GOT REAR-ENDED ON YOUR
MOTORCYCLE, BROKE YOUR PELVIS, AND RECEIVED A SWIFT KICK TO THE
GROIN AS COMPENSATION FOR IT" DAY!!!
May 25th, 2007
Today is another
day, much like many others before, and many that will come after.
Until that is, your lawyer calls you with some good news. The
insurance company of the man that rear-ended and nearly killed you
last year is ready to settle. “It’s been a quick thirteen months.”
you will think to your self as you field the call.
And it has.
Pain medication
and heavy drinking can make the time just fly right by.
Once, many, many years ago, good St. Patrick
drove some whores out of a town and thus freed up the Irish settlers
there to openly worship their god:
This being said, after the initial enthusiasm wore off, these poor
fuckers had nothing to do but get pants-pissingly drunk all the
time. As time wore on, the driving out of the whores, along
with St. Patrick's message of "Worship thy potot as thou worshiped
thy loose hooker." was forgotten. But the glorious habit of
drinking for no fucking reason at all wore on.
In my ever continuing
quest for free money, I signed up with T-Shirt Hell dot Com as
an affiliate. This means that when ever you see a link to
T-Shirt Hell on my website, click it and then decide to purchase
one of the many many cool things I get a dirty kick back.
It's like a underhanded political thing, only I don't have to
look the other way while they dump biochemical waste into your
back yard.
That's not to say that they
aren't doing it, but the kick back wouldn't make a difference either
way, because I just don't care about your back yard.
Go buy a shirt!!!
Roast needs his Whiskey Money!!!
My
next T-Shirt is going to be this one:
Go
check it out boys and girls.
That's where I'm going to be.
BE MY VALENTINE!!!
February 6th, 2007
I have a secret to
share. There is no other possible way to say it, so I’m going
to say it right out. I, Roast, am a secret admirer. I am the
creepy guy that sends you flowers signed anonymous, the guy you
don’t know exists, and it breaks my heart that you don’t. I sit
alone at night wondering what you are doing, and if you are ok.
If only I knew your number,
I could call, and then hang up when you answer. But alas, our
relationship never got that far. I don’t know if this is the booze
talking, but I’m coming right out and telling you how I feel…
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