Shifty was good enough to share his (very surprising) secret to
true compatibility with the world. Read it and be truly
enlightened:
MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS FUCKERS
December 3rd, 2006
So, here at Shifty Roast we truly get into
the the seasonal spirit. And there is no spirit greater than the
good 'ol holiday season. So, in that spirit, I present the
twisted remixes about sex, drugs and booze:
Have
yourself a drunken little Christmas,
Let your liver swim right.
From now on,
I'll pass out almost every night.
Have yourself a drunken little Christmas,
Out of sobriety, we'll stay,
From now on,
I'll be drunk whenever I get laid.
Wow, so like over a month between updates?
It sure doesn't seem like that long, but what can I say, it was
one long alcohol soaked month. I hope to make up for it by
posting this:
I didn't make this, and am in no way claiming
credit for it (unlike ebaums world who puts their God Damned name
right on it) I just think it's way funny. Enjoy.
Christmas shit is upcoming.
POLITICS, ANYONE?
October 12th, 2006
So I’m drinking beer late the other night. Staying up late, just
watching some TV. Then an advertisement comes of for some political
campaign.
I stare in disbelief. My mouth drops open, and I literally sit there
slack jawed in front of the TV. I cannot believe what I just
witnessed. An issue, being questioned by Moses, “somewhere in the
mountains of Colorado”, and God answers him and tells us what we
should vote.
I stop, and look down at my now shaking hand. The beer looks normal.
Have I finally drank the beer that breaks my liver’s back? Have I
died and gone to some kind of hell where people think that God and
Moses would sit around bullshitting about how you should vote?
And the topic? ABORTION! Oh, no wait. Apparently God and Moses have
bigger fish to fry.
SAME SEX MARRIAGE? Think again my friends. God and the ‘Mos have a
much more important message for you.
Check it out:
Yep, you guessed it, MINIMUM WAGE is what’s
keeping Mos and God up at night, wringing their hands in disbelief.
If you could only read my mind,
You would know that things between us,
Ain’t right.
I know your legs are open wide,
But you’re a little on the loose side,
I can’t lie.
One more vice, is you’re crotch lice.
Turn around now let me see.
So,
me and my gal pal are sitting in the living room, talking about
fine literature. I was talking up a book I was reading.
1984, by George Orwell. She had never read it. She
mentions that when she was younger she was heavy into the
romance novels.
Roast: Sweet! Girl porn.
Lucy: What? It's not PORN!!!
Roast: My ass it's not porn! It's
porn for you brain.
Lucy: It's not like the hard core porn
on TV though.
Roast: Yeah, but for girls, it's all in their head.
They have to get their mind into sex, and so reading about it is
just as pornographic as a man watching it on TV. Because
men are into it visually.
Lucy: Yeah, but I can sit here in the kitchen and read a
romance novel, unlike a man watching it on TV. Somebody
can walk in and it's no big deal if you are just reading a book.
Roast: Depends on where your hands are babe!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I am really surprised that you would even think about challenging me
to a cut down contest. Shit Roast, we both know the dirt I have on
you. It's not even a matter of me thinking of dirty names to call
your ex-wife, or picking on your small penis and large asshole. All
I have to do is recall the escapades you undertook while living in
Shit Town. I am going to leave it at that for now.
I want you to rethink this request. I mean really take some time and
think about it. Pretend its a big old fat girl and sleep on it, then
go take a shower with it. Then let me know what you decide.
I hop into my truck, and fire that huge beast up. I see frantic
movement in the garage (I was parked in the drive way of my house)
and then I see Slink jet past my truck. I say fuck it, he has what
ever he’s worried about covered. I throw the truck in reverse, and
back out, pull forward, and back into the drive way. I exit my
vehicle thinking “Too drunk to drive, INDEED!!!”
Slink: Whew that was close!!!
Roast: What?
Guest #1: Um, I think you hit my car…
Roast: What?
Slink: (walking around to inspect the car he tried to move out of
the way in time) Um, yeah, looks that way, Roast.
Roast: (Looking Puzzled) You were parked behind me?
Guest #1: Um, yeah. Nice dent, I also like the paint mark…
I have been seeing my girlfriend for almost 3 months now. We met
in Holland her native country. We have good sexual chemistry,
and are good at pleasing one another’s needs. She really gets
off on oral sex, and normally I do as well, but given her Dutch
heritage, she isn’t big into shaving. Her bush is like a tangled
bundle of fishing line somebody would find at the bottom of his
deceased grandfathers tackle box. After I go down on her, I tell
her I need some water just so I can go to the bathroom to rinse
and floss the loose pubs from my mouth.
Should I tell her the oral sex is on hold until she trims that
beaver?
Or should I not rock the boat seeing as how I’m munching her
18-year-old sister on the side?
In an effort do pull ShiftyRoast out of the main stream of the
internet, and separate ourselves from the mass amounts of other
shitty sites out there, I decided to do something completely
new. Something that will revolutionize the way the internet is
used. I’m going to spill my guts on the top secret elements of
the most anticipated movie to ever grace the silver screen:
Spider Man 3. And what a shit bomb it appears to be. Read on if
you dare!
I can’t reveal my sources, but once you get your sweaty,
masturbating fan-boy hands on this info, you won’t be able to
sleep for years to come! Spoilers, Spoilers, SPOILERS!!!! Don’t
read any further if you want even an inkling of surprise next
summer when you go to see the movie! Because once you read this,
you will be forced to deny this franchise it’s 3rd installment
cash cow. Unless of course you have a bad long term memory, then
you should have enough time to read this several times and then
forget it.
Look at this screen shot here:
It appears that Spidey never runs out of tricks! He actually
hangs upside down in this film!!! OMFG!!!!1111 you must be
thinking!!! Yeah, my pants are wet and sticky too!!!
So, I jumped on the "Sell-Out" bandwagon and put
some ads on the website here. Don't worry, we can't
possibly profit off of them because of the very low amount of
overall traffic that we get here. They are more for
entertainment value right now. I'll sprinkle them
liberally through out the site just to see what they come up
with. Currently, three out of three ads all go to
"Personal Shavers", or something along those lines. Does
Shifty Roast dot com really have that much shaved pussy on the
front page? I mean, there is a song about shaved balls
below, but seriously. How about some Catholic Religion Fun
time Bull Riding Monkey ads?
I mean, besides, how can ANYTHING
compare to this
when it comes to personal care? I mean seriously, dude is
flashing the
"shocker" at you. It's like you have to buy one.
Hell, I have two.
Anyway, hopefully more interesting ads start
coming up when I put them on other pages.
"Ode To Panty Dropper" by Shifty
(Coming Soon, "Shifty's A Prick" by Roast)
May 23th, 2006
I
would just like to start by saying. We are all going to miss you
PD, but definitely some more than others. I accompanied Roast
the day he went to browse motorcycles looking for you, PantyD,
and I bought a motorcycle instead. But a few months later,
alone, Roast found you. You PDropper were Roasts choice of
investment when he had no money to invest. You Panty Dropper
were an integral influence in the necessary house refinancing
and subsequent upside down mortgage (there was also some
contribution from the divorce, but that was just depressing).
For all we know PD you may have necessitated that divorce, or at
least made it easier for Roast to give up on the sanctity of
marriage. You have been there for it all Panty Dropper. The good
days and bad days, for better or worse, in sickness and in
health, until death did you part. And so today we say goodbye
PD. You will remain a blissful memory for Roast and for me you
remain a good story I will pass along to other barfly’s on
occasion. I would like to end with a poem entitled “A Panty
Dropper Celebration.”
Yamaha Blue, aluminum frame
Even Roast with no skills could get in the game.
Girls giggle wildly while sitting on back
Their tits on Roast’s shoulders, and hands on his sack.
But
aside from the obvious lure and appeal
You
drove Roast to work, a friend’s house, or drug deal.
Four carbureted cylinders, jets tuned just right
Your throaty exhaust would rattle windows at night.
Roast waxed you and buffed you and kept you indoors
He
put you above all the hype, dope and whores.
A
symbol of freedom, a vision of dreamers.
Without you Panty Dropper, Roasts’ dick’s just a wiener.
"Tattoo On His Dick" by Shifty (Marty
Robbins "Big Iron"
Remix)
May 20th, 2006
There was about four inches between them when they stopped to make
their play
And the stiffness of the pornman is still talked about to-day
Stark Naked had not quite mounted when some jism fairly ripped...
...On the first day, God made Man. And it was good.
Then he decided that man needed a companion. So he made
woman. And, well, that was good for some, but not so good
for me personally. So, then God made motorcycle. And
said unto Man: "Goethe, and ride thy "Panty Dropper" to
evade your woman. And I did. And it was good.
It was also good for getting other women, even if they were of a
"short term" commitment type. Hence, the name.
"Scrotal Sack" by Shifty (Nickleback "Photograph"
Remix)
May 11th, 2006
Look at my scrotal sack
If it weren’t mine it would make me laugh
How did my thighs get so red
Why aren’t my pubes where they had been
I remember that I threw up
I think my friends thought they would clean me up
I never knew my scrotum looked like that
The whole package seems a little flat
I told them all it wasn’t cool
They just laughed about my new pube do’....
Some of you may have noticed some slight changes to
the website...Take a look around, see what you think.
Most of the classic stuff is here, some of it isn't, yet.
All of it will be eventually as I get back into updating the
site. For those of you that don't have the slightest
fucking clue what I'm talking about,
click these words for a view of
the old site. While the changes are quite minor,
I'm sure that the new and improved ShiftyRoast will be
better than ever. Thanks for visiting, now tell all
your friends!
