SHIFTY ROAST THE HISTORY OF SHIFTYROAST

THE HISTORY OF SHIFTY ROAST

Back in the day, something happened to me. I awoke, in a daze, and peered down at an empty bottle of Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Whiskey.

I smiled, in spite of the head ache I could feel coming on, and the pain in my body. I got up off the floor and looked around. The house was empty. Not just of people, but of furniture. It was first thing in the morning. Afternoon. Whatever.

Well, there were two pieces of furniture, a TV, and a couch. Why I slept on the floor, your guess is as good as mine. Wandering into the kitchen, bottle still clutched in my hand, I peered at a calendar.

December, 2004. All days crossed off right up until the 31st.

I smile again, and hold up the bottle.

“Jim (when you know Mr. Daniel as well as I do, you call him Jim) it’s March, when you going to buy me a new calendar?”

Jim just chuckled at me, knowing full well it was only February.

“Roast, remember what we were talking about last night?” Jim asks inquiringly.

“Remember, shit, I hardly remember how you got here from the liquor store, Jimmy boy! You know where your pal Advil is by chance?”

“Advil is in the fridge, next to the orange juice Roast. You know I take care of you.”

I reach for the Advil with my free hand, and find out where Jim hid my car keys. In the fridge, next to an empty tub of butter.

“Thanks Jim, you sure know how to take care of a guy.”

“No problem Roast. Anyway, about that website idea. I think you should get that going as soon as possible.”

“Oh, right. The site. Yeah, listen Jim, I was drunk, and I know I made some templates for it and stuff, but it’s just going to end up being a sounding board for when I get drunk and have a rant about something. I mean, I’m not that much of a douche bag, am I?”

Jim is silent, and looks away for a moment.

“But Roast, think of all the good times we have had, you can tell those stories to countless others.” He pleads.

“Also, if I had to call you something, it would be jackass, not douche bag.”

“Thanks for the kind words Jim, but those stories were either the direct result, or the direct cause of some of the worst times of my life. I don…”

“Our life Roast. Our life.” Jim interrupted.

“Right, right, our life. Anyway, times are sure to get better.”

“Huh, yeah, good one. Let’s work on your comedic wit later pal, after we have the site up and running. Shifty sent you all the emails I asked him to send you, and now you are sitting on a ton of content.”

“Fine, I’ll make your stupid website Jim. But stop calling me from the store twice a week asking for a ride to my house. Gas is almost $2.25 a gallon now. Be a pal.”

“Roast, I’m gonna make you a star. First thing’s first though. Let’s go pick up some friends of mine from the store, I’m getting awfully lonely being the only empty bottle in the house here.”

“Fine, lets go.” I respond.

”Shotgun!” Jim yells out.