It has taken me nearly three decades of life, numerous relationships, and just under one year of marriage to finally solve a riddle that has confounded millions, transcending continents, ethnicities and beliefs.

The question, “What is the secret to a lasting relationship between a man and a woman?” I am forced to include that last bit about man and woman because for the past three decades, numerous relationships, and marriage I can only speak about questions plaguing heterosexual relationships, I have very little information about homosexual relationships that I am willing to admit. 

Moving on, the question about how to sustain a relationship or marriage between a man and woman is currently a multi-billion dollar market.  Finally, we can save the money spent on “Mars and Venus”, Dr. Phil, marriage counselors and the like. I have for all you readers out there the one final and definitive way to ensure a lasting relationship. The secret? True compatibility. Sounds vague and complex, something a therapist would suggest each individual strive for, or the recently engaged should evaluate prior to marriage. But I am not offering a broad solution or a generalization of the issue. I am going to offer the single defining characteristic between a man and a woman that ensures they are truly compatible.

The true measure of compatibility is when the scent of a women’s vagina exactly mimics the scent of a man’s armpit. Minus of course any artificial application of scent.

 Now ponder this. How could a person know for sure the person he/she is seeing is right for them? Scholars will argue that a persons identity versus the alter ego and a need for nurture and/or familiarity versus the need for independence and exploration all combine to make up one person. They will proceed to argue that instinctively we can match people that fulfill our needs and wants, but rarely to 100%. So let’s say there is a way to objectively identify this perfect match. I will argue it can be done, just follow your nose.

 Nearly every man knows that a vagina has a very distinctive odor.  The odor has been compared to a variety of daily olfactory encounters, but really the smell cannot be truly identified or described unless it has been smelled.  I will admit that Roast was first to indulge himself in the pleasures of muff diving, and a reserved but curious shifty once asked him, “What does it smell like?” To which Roast replied, “Like nothing you have every smelled before.” And that really does sum it up. So we rest the argument that an individual woman will in fact harbor her own unique vaginal potpourri.

 Thereby if a woman will carry her own unique scent, than it stands to reason a man will carry is own unique scent as well. I am not about to fathom whether or not a cock has its own special odor, but I will argue that a penis pressed against a pair of Hanes underwear for 12 hours is going to smell like Hanes underwear and ball/ass sweat.  Excuse me whilst I vomit.  There is however, a common thread among men that defines us as a species. Armpit odor.  Every man has musk that he emits which is unique to that one man. And every man is very familiar with his scent, so much so that he could identify it out of a line up of millions.  

 Therefore, we have two unique odors one for a woman and one for a man.  Supposedly no two odors can be the same, but what if they were? A woman’s love muffin smelling identical to a man’s armpit musk (sorry no glamorous reference, it is what it is).  To discover such a thing could only equal true compatibility. Make no mistake; I am not talking about pheromones here, because those are supposedly not perceived by conscious sensory function. No, I am talking about tangible, very real, in your face stinky armpits and pussy here! Finally, something we can test for ourselves to know without a doubt that the woman we are snacking on or the man you are snuggling (for the ladies) is truly your soul mate. You’re thinking, “So how do you know that this comparison equals compatibility?” Well I am glad you asked.

 What is it that keeps a man wanting to stay with one woman for the rest of his natural life? Love, yes. Family, sure. Comfort, most definitely. When a man feels completely comfortable with a woman he has no reason to wander. He is content throughout, and that is enough for a man to endure the hardships that life will present. What then will make a man comfortable in the true sense of the word? Answer, his armpits musky smell. We all do it, sitting on the couch drinking a beer your favorite team just lost the Super Bowl, you lost a large sum of money and got hit by a taxi in Vegas, a large inmate asks you to use the bleach tablet from the toilet to clean your ass, and we begin to feel anxious inside. So how do we respond, we raise our arm, take a big whiff of those hairy armpits, and suddenly a calm comes over our entire body. A peace that knows no war, an Eden that has no reality.  In that brief instant all existence makes perfect sense. If that smell then lingers around a man’s girlfriend, wife, one night stand, whatever then said man will experience the comfort that makes him want to stay. An inner sense of well being that evokes reassurance, telling his soul you are doing the right thing.

 [This is the place for a paragraph debating how a man’s armpit odor matching a woman’s vaginal scent relates to a lasting relationship for a woman. But suffice to say I have no idea what make’s a woman want to stay with a man, especially not one who constantly smells his armpits.]

 Of course, this is all well and good for the man seeking a partner, it is easy to smell his armpit and eat pussy and compare the two, but what about the women? For them I am afraid it is more difficult, but this also proves a point, if it were easy for women to identify this marker of true compatibility then women would not be so easily fooled into thinking there was a future in every short term relationship, spring break fling, or summertime rendezvous. And so I need to stress to all women, get to know your scent. Smell those fingers, whiff that dildo, have your current man give you a kiss after he’s pleasured your naughty. Become so familiar with that odor that the next time you snuggle up to your boyfriend at the movies, push your way past a crowd in a bar, or walk by some stranger on bus you will know from the way he smells if that man is your waiting prince.

 On the flip side, if as a man you are repulsed by your musk, and even though its calming effect cannot be denied on your psyche the actual smell of the pit makes you gag and your eyes water, it may be difficult to work up the courage to find the snatch of Mrs. Right. I say start by smelling your fingers, then, when you think you’ve found a match get really drunk and verify your suspicion. After that take comfort in the knowledge that you have found your soul mate, hopefully you are not a doubter who requires constant affirmation.

In summation the true and only determinant of compatibility and therefore stay power of a relationship is the identical match between the scent of a woman’s vagina and that of a man’s armpit.

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