In an effort do pull ShiftyRoast out of the main stream of the
internet, and separate ourselves from the mass amounts of other
shitty sites out there, I decided to do something completely
new. Something that will revolutionize the way the internet is
used. I’m going to spill my guts on the top secret elements of
the most anticipated movie to ever grace the silver screen:
Spider Man 3. And what a shit bomb it appears to be. Read on if
you dare!
I can’t reveal my sources, but once you get your sweaty,
masturbating fan-boy hands on this info, you won’t be able to
sleep for years to come! Spoilers, Spoilers, SPOILERS!!!! Don’t
read any further if you want even an inkling of surprise next
summer when you go to see the movie! Because once you read this,
you will be forced to deny this franchise it’s 3rd installment
cash cow. Unless of course you have a bad long term memory, then
you should have enough time to read this several times and then
forget it.
Look at this screen shot here:
It appears that Spidey never runs out of tricks! He actually
hangs upside down in this film!!! OMFG!!!!1111 you must be
thinking!!! Yeah, my pants are wet and sticky too!!! Not. Can
you believe it? Apparently swinging around on vines that grow so
freely in New York City became just TOO cliché for our hero. At
least they added another super hero ability to him, as shown in
this shot:
The ability to sit in the pouring rain. This of course causes a
huge loophole from the first film where Spider Man melts when
splashed with a bucket of water. What morons.
Also, it appears that there will in fact be more bad guys in
this one! You know, I was thinking after the last scene of
Spider Man 2 that for sure good old Peter could just hang up his
suit because he vanquished all of his enemies. Then we could sit
back and enjoy watching the two hour wedding video of Peter and
that chick he was hooking up with. Man, I would KILL to get on
that guest list!!! BUT NO!!! They have to create more conflict!
As if being married to a high maintenance bitch like her
wouldn’t be enough… Check out this guy:
Yep, you guessed it. HE IS A BAD GUY! I mean, just look at him!
With an expression like that, how can he be good? Apparently
with the super-villain-creative-juices-well gone dry after only
two movies, the producers have been forced to plagiarize ideas
from other entertainment venues. Rumor has it that they are
actually stealing bad guy ideas from comic books….
I mean, come on! Comic books? What the fuck are you thinking
when you do this? I mean, you have this great invention like
Spider Man, and then you start digging at the bottom of the
entertainment barrel for bad guys for him to fight. I think the
director is doing us a huge disservice by doing this! Stick to
the original premise of making up fresh new ideas.
I do have a major complaint as well. A keen eye will notice that
they actually slipped in footage from the first film as some
kind of action filler. Check THIS out:
Dude, I know it was several years ago that “Spider Man”
(originally called “Spandex Man” but then changed at the last
minute because of copyright issues) came out, but do you expect
us to forget that you already had a Bat-Riding-Wall-Crasher?
This kind of open contempt for the very people you are trying to
pillage money from WILL NOT BE TOLERATED.
I suggest you take some ques from these guys and make a brand
new movie, with brand new concepts:
These guys got it right. Sat down, created a new concept and
then put it out there. They don’t need no fucking sequels! Hey,
Spider Man producers, if you can’t come up with something
original like this, then you need to go back to the little
leagues of movie production and start filming gay porn.
I give this film a rating of one cock flaccid. Meaning that not
only will it fail to give me an “action erection”, but also will
ruin any chances of me getting in the pants of any lady that is
foolish enough to attend the free screening of this movie that I
expect to get as an upstanding member of the internet
journalistic community.
