Slaving away at work today, listening to my
Sirius Satellite Radio, I heard a song from the “Good Old Days”, you
know, high school. Sophomore year.
Fucking Ace of Base, “All That She Wants is Another Baby”. I bet if
I dig through the CD collection, I probably have the CD of it.
I’m not gay.
It was a left over from some chick that wanted me to play a song off
of it at a party or something. Anyway, that song is forever attached
to a special night. One of those backwards formal dances that the
girl asks the guy out. You know, role reversal, and all that. I
never could get a fucking garter that would fit around my massively
muscled leg….Kidding.
I’M NOT GAY.
Anyway, I had my eye on this chick in history class, because she was
hot and seemed a little slutty. Years later at a college party I
would find out that my instincts were dead on, and she had taken it
in the ass quite a bit. Right after that dance too.
I wouldn’t know, she was not the girl that asked me. The girl that
asked me was this girl that was medium in looks, and lived on the
rich side of town. Pretty much anybody that didn’t live in my
neighborhood lived in the “rich part of town” by comparison, but
that is besides the point. I accept, because I had not developed the
kind of social skills that most 7th graders possess in trying to
find out if the hot slut was going to ask me.
So the rich girl Holly asks me, I take a day to think about it, and
say yes. We start making plans, most of which she was taking care of
and paying for. Thank goodness. All I had to do was rent a tux,
and….and um….well you know how the tux MUST match the dress…
I had to get a pink vest.
I. AM. NOT. GAY. And to tell the truth, it was mauve, not pink.
So, the day comes for the dance, and being October in the mountains,
it was snowing like a bitch. I call her, and she asks if I can
drive, because her parents don’t want her driving in this terrible
weather. I say no problem, I’ve got a pick-up, and I’m the king of
winter driving. Having exactly zero full years of winter driving
under my belt and all. I hop into my orange-used-to-be-a-ranch-truck
Ford pick-up. Vintage 1977. The year was 1994. Let's just say
it was a classic, that needed much repair.
So I go to pick up Holly at her house. Her friend, “Angelina” and
her date will meet us there, and we are to go to some steak house
for dinner. Thank goodness I’m not paying, as I say “Sounds Great!!”
On the drive over, for some reason, the heater just stops working.
It was a 30 minute drive to her house, and I’m freezing my nut sack
off, and am quite surprised that the ‘ol Orange was letting me down.
It wouldn’t be the last time. Ace of Base is on the radio, playing
that fucking song I HATED, “All That She Wants is Another Baby”.
Fuck I hated that song, and it was played constantly.
I pick her up, we take pictures for her folks, and do all that. We
grab a blanket, (her parents didn’t even bat an eye when I told them
that my heater was out, which would have been a GREAT cover for me
wanting a blanket to fuck their daughter on) and we head to the
steak house. When I start up the truck the heater miraculously comes
back on. No rhyme or reason, it just worked again, and never broke
again. We eat, and conversation between four virtual strangers ends
up on the weather. Angelina is bragging about how her car gets
around in the snow.
A FUCKING CAR! I say fuck that, my truck is better, even though it’s
only two wheel drive. She says her car is one of those 4 wheel drive
eagle talons. Not the new ones they came out with in the 1990s, but
a 1985 one, the old usually brown ugly ones. But GREAT in the snow.
Right….
We go to the dance, and have an uneventful time, then leave and go
out to eat at around 1:00 in the morning. Ace of Base was played no
less than 18 times at the dance, and another time on the way to
Denny’s.
“All that she wants, is another baby,
all that she wants, is another baby.
All that she wants, is another baby,
all that she wants, is another baby.”
Fuck me I hate that song. So over our late night eats at Denny’s,
the storm continues. Angelina continues to mock my truck and driving
prowess, not to mention my manliness.
Roast: Fuck that, I could out drive your ass.
Angelina: Shit, you couldn’t get away from me in a game of cat and
mouse around town tonight.
Roast: Wanna bet? Let’s go bitch!
Angelina: You are going to be SO sorry.
Bitch should be a fortune teller or something
.
So we go out to the vehicles, and Angelina locked her keys in her
car. Because she is a girl, and only girls are capable of this feat.
The four of us pile into the front seat of my ranch truck, in formal
attire, and drive to her house to get keys. More fucking Ace of
Base.
Angelina: Turn it up! I love this song!!!
Roast: (to himself) don’t freak out. just keep cool, and don’t freak
out….
We fetch her keys, go back and I park my truck next to her car, and
we get out. Her and I start laying out the rules of the cat and
mouse game we are about to play. Once done, I get in my truck, and
turn the ignition. I turn the ignition, but the fucker won’t start.
It turns over for about 15 seconds, and the battery dies. We all
pile into her car to go to my house to fetch some jumper cables.
Lucky for us, she has the Ace of Base “All That She Wants is Another
Baby” single on cassette. And she refuses to turn it off, because
all the other three people in the car liked it. I am about to kill
somebody. We get the cables, and get back after 5 renditions of that
fucking song, and get my truck started.
Finally. I tear out of there, and the town is DESERTED. It could be
because there was 12 inches of standing snow on all the streets, and
the plows were not out yet. It is 2:30 in the morning. And I’ll be
god damned if I can’t loose that fucking bitch. She is on my ass the
whole time, and I’m going FAST. It’s like that damn song was chasing
me, and I couldn’t get away. I was going 50 mph and above. In town.
I come across an intersection:
And decide that I’ll throw her a little surprise.
I come up on it and then crank hard right. I intended to cut this
corner hard, and speed away. Thus loosing her.
I say crank, because that’s what I did to the
steering wheel. Unfortunately, the truck only turned slightly right,
and then started to slide forward. I may not know much about winter
driving, but I know I’m fucked. I look over, and see that the wild
expression of fun on Holly’s face is now replaced with a fear
stricken kind of optimism that is looking at me saying: “You can
save us Roast! I believe in you!”. I on the other hand am bracing
for impact because there was nothing I could do, but run over the
curb and into the RV sales lot, fully stocked with motor homes.
At the last instant, I seem to think that if I crank the wheel back,
and let off the brakes I may regain some control. This actually
worked as I expected, and I was able to steer a bit to the left and
not hit the motor homes.
I hit a light pole instead. I had a huge grill guard on the front of
my truck, and it bent it into a v-shape. Anti-Freeze is pouring out
of my radiator, but we are ok. Angelina pulls up next to me, and is
aghast at the distance I would go to prove how much of a man I was.
Roast: Wow, you know what? Your car DOES get around pretty fucking
good.
Angelina: Um……Are you guys ok?
Roast: Yeah, we’re fine, right babe?
Holly: …………………….
Roast: Say, Angelina, I’m thinking I have a limited amount of
driving I can do now, so would you mind giving Holly a ride home?
She takes that poor, shell shocked girl home. I start up the old
beast, and with a destroyed front end with the motor fan cutting
holes in the radiator I drove it home. Good thing it was cold out,
or it would have over heated.
The song on the radio? One guess.
FUCK YOU ACE OF BASE.
Looks like I’m the one who took it in the ass after the dance.
