ROASTY GOES-A-PROMIN'

 

This story is very true, and one of my personal favorites.  I still have the prom picture to prove it!!

 

We are going back in time now, before college, back to the year after I graduated high school.  Ok, technically I should have been in college, but damn, have you seen me?  I drank my self out of college, not once, but TWICE.  I had a full ride scholarship due to the fact that my family was poor (Pell Grants) and that I went to a community college that was so cheap a $500 grant JUST FOR GRADUATING HIGH SCHOOL WAS GIVEN TO EVERYBODY THAT WANTED TO GO.  It is a small town, and they wanted everybody there to attend college I guess. 

 

My girlfriend at the time, (that I ended up marrying, and divorcing much, much later) was still a junior in High School.  She was all excited to go to Prom, and I didn’t fucking care either way, because I had gone to like 3 or 4 Proms, and they all sucked.  But hey, guaranteed pussy is worth pretty much anything my friends.  So, she asks me if I want to go, and I tell her I will on one condition:

 

Roast:  “You have to find dates for Slink and Lebby, because I’m not fucking going by myself to this thing.”

 

Lebby was the roommate of Slink, and partied with us non-stop.  All three of us had been out of school for over a year at this point (1997).

 

My ever-loving girlfriend has no problem setting them up, as tons of the girls that she partied with (at my house and at Slinks house) were pretty much party favors anyway, so they agreed to go.  Just the six of us.

 

My girlfriend and I have been dating about 4 months at this point, and she was convinced she was in love with me.  If this was not a sign of shit to come, I don’t know what is. 

 

Saturday, the BIG day:

 

I go to work, all fucking day long.  Hey, I had rent to pay, and alcohol to buy.  I wasn’t taking the day off for this shit.  I get off, several hours late, and head strait to Slinks house.  He meets me at the door of his house, and informs me that I am late.  See, we were cheap bastards, so instead of dinner out we somehow talked the girls into having steaks and a good old-fashioned meal at Slinks house instead.  Slink is a hell of a cook, if he wasn’t married now, I’d turn gay just for the cooking, seriously. 

 

Slink:  “Roast, about fucking time!!!”

Roast:  “Yeah, fucking work, you know?  How far behind am I?”

Slink:  “At least six.”  (Hands me a six pack of beer)  “You going to go to your house to clean up?”

Roast:  “Yeah, I’ll be back in half an hour.  You got my tux here, right?”

Slink:  “Yeah, see you in a few.”

 

Now, I am (and was then) a pro at drinking.  So good, it is kind of embarrassing.  But, I’m a long distance kind of guy, not a sprinter if you know what I mean.  I go to my house three blocks away, and shower and shave.  And chug all six of those beers in the shower while doing it.

 

27 minutes later, back at Slinks house:

 

Roast:  “Hell yeah!!!!  Who wants to go to Prom Mother-Fuckers!?!?!?!”

Slink:  “Everybody is here, and the steaks are going on now.  Here are some Jell-O Shots.  You are still behind, bro.”

Roast:  “You sorry sons-a-bitches, I’ll fucking catch up!!”  (Takes two Jell-O shots, and carries the rest in to the living room)

 

Fade to black.

 

****I don’t remember anything that happened until….****

 

Fade back in…

 

I’m sitting in a car.  The car is moving.  I’m trying to get my bearings, but it is dark.  I’m wondering how long I’ve been out.  My mouth has the familiar taste of drunken vomit, and I sort of recall having a shit-load of Jell-O shots.  I look over at the driver, and she comes into focus.  I am uncomfortable, what the hell am I wearing?  I look down and see I am wearing a tuxedo…

 

Roast:  “Holy shit, what’s going on?”

Hysterical Girl Friend:  “FUCK YOU!!!!  WE ARE GOING TO MY PARENTS HOUSE TO TAKE PICTURES!!!  YOU BETTER ACT SOBER, YOU MOTHER FUCKER!!!  I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT YOU DID THIS YOU BASTARD.  ALL I WANT TO DO IS GO AND TAKE PICTURES, WE DON’T EVEN HAVE TO GO TO THE DANCE!!”  (Continues crying)

Roast:  “Um, ok.”

 

We get to her parents house, and they just love me.  I have met them before, and they think I’m the best boy friend ever.  I nearly fall down a flight of stairs during pictures, and I recall going on and on about a hole I had in my sock that was bothering me to her mother (my future mother-in-law).  We then leave.

 

Slightly More Relaxed Girl Friend:  “So, how are you feeling?”

Roast:  “I feel great.  We going to this fucking dance, or what?”

 

We go to the dance.  We are several hours late, but it makes for a dramatic entry.  We walk in the doors of the ball room (the gym), and I scan the floor.  I see Slink and Lebby dancing there on the fringe.

 

Roast:  (In the LOUDEST possible yell I could muster)  “SLINK!!!!  LEBBY!!!!  MOTHER-FUCKING ROAST IS IN THE HOUSE!!!!”

Slink:  “Holy shit dude!!!  I never thought you would make it!!”

Roast:  “Piece of cake, baby.”  (I wrap my arm around my girl)  “How could I possibly let this beautiful little gal down?”

 

We dance, take pictures, and sneak out to the parking lot for several drinks. 

We had one hell of a time at the dance, and afterward went back to my house for some hot, hot teenage sex.

 

It seriously was the best Prom I ever attended, despite feeling like I had gotten in a serious bar fight the next day.

 

 

****Now, this part of the story is 100% hearsay, as I don’t happen to recall it.  But it is verified by all 5 participants that were there other then me.  Apparently, after I did about 6 Jell-O Shots in a futile attempt to catch up with Slink and Lebby since they had been drinking slowly all day, I got totally smashed.  After ward, I told Slink I had to take it easy, and he said no problem, nothing but pop for me.  What I didn’t know, is he was helping a brother out by spiking my pop with tequila, and I was too loaded already to notice.  By the time the steaks were served, I was in the bathroom throwing up.  I then passed out next to the toilet.  The Girlfriend got very mad at Slink, and madder at me.  When it was time to go, Slink told her to leave me behind, because I was a lost cause.  Se refused, and stayed behind when they all left for the dance.  She proceeded to go in the bathroom, and KICK me until I woke up.  Then she drug my incoherent ass out of there, and stripped me down.  She then dressed me in my tux.  I don’t remember it, but she tells me that I kept giving her shit because she put my cuff links on wrong, and I had a hole in my sock.  She was physically beating me by this point, hitting me and slapping me because I was such a bastard.  She tried to drag me to her car, but I weighed about 80 pounds more then her, so I fell down several times.  I was rewarded with kicks to all kinds of different places on my body for the effort.  Then, on the way to her house, as she was crying, I came back to my senses.****

 

 

Like I said:  “BEST PROM, EVER!!!”

 

 

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