I had a paper bag full of booze,
A copy of the evening news,
A can of Copenhagen with me too.
The bank sign was flashin’ five below,
But I was toasty in the snow.
I’d been drinkin’ beer since that afternoon.
There was a fog inside my head,
But I was still awake.
Then I fumbled for my car keys,
And thought this is a mistake.
I just crawled off of my bar stool seat.
I was weavin’ lanes and sippin’ Jim Beam.
Then I saw those lights behind me gleam.
Lord please tell me this is all a dream.
The cop walked up to my car window,
He asked me to step onto the road.
Officer can’t you just leave me alone,
I was almost home.
He said, “I want you to walk heal to toe.”
I fell on my face and broke my nose.
But he was nice and helped me up.
He could see me bleeding out my face.
I don’t now why he sprayed me with his mace.
Maybe I shouldn’t have called his wife a slut.
Head pressed on the sidewalk.
Handcuffs on both my wrists.
The cop looked at me and said,
“Son tell me where you’ve been.”
I said, I just got out of the all night mass.
I was teachin’ kids all about Christ’s past.
Then I helped a lady cross the street.
Before I left I stopped to pray with the priest.
I was drivin’ on my way back home,
When I swerved to miss a cat on the road.
Officer why can’t you leave me alone?
I am almost home.
He said, “Young man I’m takin’ you to jail,
There’s a cell for you to sleep in.”
I said, “Can we stop first at my house,
Your wife’s naked in my kitchen.”
I just crawled off of my bar stool seat.
I was weavin’ lanes and sippin’ Jim beam.
Then I saw those lights behind me gleam.
Lord please tell me this is all a dream.
The cop walked up to my car window,
He asked me to step in the road.
Officer can’t you just leave me alone,
I was almost home.
Man I wish that prick had left me alone.
I was almost home.
